


quarantine: a compilation of my feelings, sort of

by pigeonpi



Category: Splatoon
Genre: mentions of cutting, quarantine really got me messed up, vent fic, very vague like all of my vent fics, what the fuck did I write, yup back at it again with my weird vent fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24359431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigeonpi/pseuds/pigeonpi
Summary: a combination of my feelings and some other stuff, but the main character is aloha.
Kudos: 7





	quarantine: a compilation of my feelings, sort of

**Author's Note:**

> warning for cutting and just bad thoughts. 
> 
> ive had too much time in quarantine to think.
> 
> i... dont feel too keen on posting this. just in case someone finds this who knows me irl uhh please dont say anything im already nervous enough as is-

it was weird.

every time aloha bumped into people he knew, his mood immediately brightened, and he could find himself joking and laughing and smiling like it was natural for him.

even if he had been crying moments before, his mood always immediately brightened, without fail.

no one had ever commented on the sudden change in posture, on the sudden change in body language.

…maybe they hadn’t ever noticed.

honestly, it was sort of disturbing, how fast his personality changed. he found himself questioning these interactions.

he couldn’t even switch back during the interactions. he was just stuck like that until the interaction ended, and even then, the happiness lasted.

did he… had he just gotten so used to faking a smile on a bad day that he could just do it without thinking?

was it just automatic now? he would see someone, and immediately switch to his happier persona?

…cod, that thought was disturbing.

well, at least he was good at card games, since no one could ever tell how he actually felt.

of course, there were times he slipped up, but that almost never happened. his blunders were normally over text, and even those were few and far between.

the last time he had made a huge blunder was in a group chat. he was having a particularly bad day, and had decided to talk to someone.

…big mistake. everyone had been concerned over his lack of self-care. one of them had even confronted him face to face later, and he nervously tried to explain, his hands tumbling through gestures clumsily.

_“i was just saying that they don’t think my opinion matters! not that mine doesn’t matter! sorry for the mix-up, haha…”_

it worked with phone calls too.

he would get into a call with his friends, and his voice was immediately a happy, cheerful tone.

no one commented. aloha guessed that they all just assumed that he was naturally very happy, and never let something get him down.

they were wrong, but aloha wasn’t about to correct them. he didn’t want to shatter this nice image his friends had of him.

aloha was a happy party guy who flirted and laughed without a care in the world!

the phone calls were… more reassuring, somehow. they couldn’t see him, which was nice. they couldn’t see how tired he was.

when he slipped up in front of someone, he normally panicked.

_“shoot, sorry, that’s not what i meant to say, haha! that got dark fast, huh?”_

not that there was any need to panic. the most he got was a weird look, and an ‘are you okay, dude?’ and he was off the hook.

he really hated those interactions. there was something in him that just wanted to scream that he wasn’t okay, that he just needed some help, but…

he couldn’t. he really, really couldn’t. he was stuck in this cycle, with no way out.

he would feel himself smiling, hear himself laughing, but he could hear a tiny voice in the back of his head screaming for him to just _say something,_ tell them- no, at least give them a hint to his buried emotions.

but… somehow, he was… okay with the cycle. probably because he had gotten used to it.

the only people that really noticed were his boyfriends. they could tell when he felt horrible, and they always made him feel better.

…it was hard to remind himself that they weren’t here.

what if he never got to see them again?

what if one of them died? it was entirely possible, and it was a thought that popped into his head way too often.

…he needed to get more sleep.

lately, he hadn’t really been seeing too many people, which meant his mood had been really down for the past couple of weeks.

stupid quarantine.

now that he had all of this time… to himself, he thought about everything way too much. he felt like this personality he was putting up was… fake. and he wanted to take some time to fix it, fix himself.

of course, his schoolwork… he wasn’t the best quality. he was stressing himself out, and telling himself that it was fine, that he’d never had problems with schoolwork before!

right?

after all, he had written a whole essay during the lunch hour before the class that essay was for. he’d be fine!

…why was all of this so hard? was he really that distracted all the time?

he needed to work on that. later. some day. not today.

whenever he had free time, he would text some friends, plan a party for later, or play a video game. just to distract himself from the thoughts that were lurking in the depths of his brain.

he missed the parties. as chaotic as they were, they were _fun._ he got to see some of his friends, and he could laugh without a care in the world. those parties were some of his best days.

but it really wasn’t the same.

he wasn’t _really_ talking to people.

he wasn’t _really_ having a party.

and... as much as the video games were fun, he got frustrated easily.

he didn’t get the same happiness from those things as he did from talking to people. _really_ talking to people.

not just texting them.

it was harder to resist his violent urges now. he was alone, in his apartment, and there wasn’t anyone to stop him.

he wanted to watch as the blood slowly dripped down his leg, creating bright pink lines.

…but he was trying not to. he was trying so hard to the point that he had to physically restrain himself, curling up into a ball so tight and just sobbing to the point that his stomach started to hurt, and he started to have a headache.

the breakdowns kept coming, and he couldn’t stop them. he couldn’t stop himself.

he really couldn’t stop himself. he tried. he tried so hard. but in the end, he couldn’t stop himself. go figure. he was a failure to everyone anyways.

his mum had been calling him a lot lately.

normally, people would be relieved to hear from their mothers during a time like this, but aloha… aloha didn’t want to hear from her.

she’d always ask if he was doing all of his schoolwork, if he was trying his best, and then immediately tell him that he wasn’t trying hard enough.

well. okay. he _was_ stressing himself out over trying to do well enough in school that his mum would be proud of him but-

wait. was he even doing this for himself?

was he just… doing it for his mum’s approval? was that what all of this was?

…no, of course not! he was just thinking too much.

it was okay. he was fine!

right? right?

of course, there were days where aloha actually felt perfectly fine, but lately those days had come less frequently, and he found himself sleeping later and later, and overthinking more and more.

maybe it was because of the lack of interaction? he really didn’t know.

he really didn’t want to know.

…he missed his boyfriends. he missed seeing them face to face. he missed all of the stupid and silly chats they had about anything and everything. he missed how… nice they were to be around, and how nice and wonderful they were.

he wanted to see them again.

stupid stupid stupid. he should’ve asked them to stay together in one of their apartments for the quarantine.

at least he wouldn’t be lonely.

and maybe it was because he knew he would feel better with them. maybe that was it. but he wouldn’t ever admit it.

**Author's Note:**

> this hasnt been a good month, mfeelin better now, but jeez i feel like im in limbo
> 
> im gonna post this and then go to sleep i dont wanna think about this in my drafts anymore
> 
> edit from the next morning: uh yeah so i regret this kinda and i also wanna say that no, i dont have an s/o im too lazy to explain where that bit came from other than brain person yup uh huh


End file.
